Cooling Off. Cooling Down.

This past week was hot. Very hot. The official arrival of Summertime has brought with it the glorious weather that is summer in New England.

In our house we don't use air conditioning. We have one window air conditioning unit, but we don't use it. By choice. I don't like to use it. It feels so artificial. I know it's not bad for you, like so many of the other things that I give up, but it just feels wrong. I also believe it's not very green (money and environment).

This was taken on July 27, 2011. I am ~35 weeks pregnant. I am surrounded
by 4 of our 5 cats (2 were temporary foster friends) and my giant floor fan.
I am laying on the bed that I started to birth our baby Buddha on
just 14 days later!

We do use fans; ceiling, oscillating, window and freestanding. I love fans. I wish we had solar-powered fans! When I was in my third trimester with Buddha in the peak of last summer, I slept with a fan blowing directly on me, from three feet away, every single night. As well as the rainbow ceiling fan on high above me. Annnd of course the window wide open.

Testing out the birthing bench. Not for me. At least not with Buddhas labor.
Notice the fan, like, on top of me.
Notice the vomit bucket...yeah, that happened too.

During my planned homebirth, I moved from room to room throughout the bulk of my labor. But during the final hours I found myself needing the comfort of our old bed, the coziness of our small room, the hodgepodgeity of baby-moving-rearranging items crammed around me and the familiar smells and happy memories that this all brought my way. As it was just AJ and I during the majoring of my labor, his presence was the absolute most important thing to me. It still is. He was absolutely amazing through the entire experience and I love him in a whole new level after living through this with him. And my floor fan. I could not have done this without my floor fan. Seriously. I think at one point I may have grumbled for it to get unplugged for fear that "the waves are gonna interfere with everything!!!". And it was with that same enthusiasm that I gnarled for a particular song (on AJ's last-minute-made-but-perfect-anyway laboring playlist) to "switch it!!! I don't know...it's just messing with me right now!" Looking back, I have no idea what song that was? But I do know that the multi-colored ceiling fan spinning above me was a calming constant before the final moments of peace were interrupted. I needed that  fan. I needed AJ. I needed my baby to be here and healthy, and hopefully had at home...

So fans are my savior, along with my fiance, (but that's enough about him!) and apparently Adelaide appreciates them as much as her Mama. Perhaps because she started to enter this world with a fan blowing directly on her bum? Or maybe because she was used to hearing it from inside my belly while we slept every night? Either way, I wasn't aware of this aide until just this past week...

Ada is working through her fourth tooth coming in (thank goodness for our Baltic Amber Teething Necklace!) she's spending her days in nothing but her beautiful baby skin and is still sweating, we are swimming at the marinas pool (chlorine, eck! I'll get into that another day...but clearly I succumbed to the heat), and playing in rooms with fans, fans fans. Besides being noticeably hot, she was so happy. Happy and naked and playing with her Mama. What could be better than that I suppose? Her naps were easy, as usual. She goes down with a 10 minute nurse and stays asleep anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours. This happens once or twice a day, depending on her mood and desire for a nap. But it's a whooole different story for bedtime.

Oh my. Do I even have the words to describe? Do I have it in me to really go there? (Whew! Saved by the bell! Er, the baby. Buddha just woke up....I'll be back in a few hours.)


Okay, after a quick trip to Michael's for some yarn (that I simply HAD to have, along with some other odds 'n' ends totaling around $30...I can never get just what I went in there for), Adelaide's second nap was just itching the happen. A 5 minute nurse when we got home put her out cold. See? Nap times are E-A-S-Y!

Then there is bedtime. Like I hinted: It. Can. Be. Brutal. Painfully. Brutal.

I am going to whine and complain. Heads up.

Parenting is HARD! I have chosen a standard of parenting that requires a lot from the Mama. (See Attachment Parenting.) I love it. I absolutely cherish my life and I feel beyond fortunate to have this be what I call my job: Baby Maker, Child Rearer, Diaper Washer, Sock Mender, Bath Giver, Poop Cleaner, Dish Washer, Bed Maker, Meal Creator, Milk Machine, Homeschooler, Baby Wearer, Teacher, Learner, Toilet Scrubber, Guidance Counselor, Decision Maker, Research Fanatic, House Cleaner, Pet Parent, Quilt Maker, Friend, Lover, Companion, Artist, Dreamer, Farmer, Gardener, Cosleeper, Full Term Breastfeeding, Clean, Green, Soulful, Stay-At-Home Mama. Again, can I just say how much I LOVE my boyfriend!!! (Without him, most of this wouldn't be possible.)

I am a feminist at heart, but my thoughts are that every woman should have the right to live the life that they want to live. Period. I also believe woman have the rights of their own bodies. But that's another topic altogether. The life that I want to live is a humble one. But a vocal one. I will talk about what I believe in. I will extend compassion to all earthlings. I will be the best parent, partner, person (see my blog entitled this!) I can be. I will work on improving myself at all times. I want to be the best me possible. I want to create the destiny I was meant to live. And I believe that to be what I described above, and then some. But god damn is it exhausting.

That's right. It freaking exhausting. I aspire to be the best kind of Mama (my standards), but like I have fully admitted many times before, I am not perfect. And I mess up. And I admit defeat. And holy hell are our bed times starting to get the better of me...

I have tried every approach:
~wait for her to show signs, start routine before signs, wait until shes beyond tired...
~Nurse in bed, in glider, in rocker, in nursery, in living room, in hallway...
~Lights off, lights on, night light, hallway light through the door...
~Sing nursery rhymes, sing her song (will talk about another day, my sister made it up the day that she was born...sigh...Auntie Love), sing The Beatles, Billy Joel, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody (don't know why but that's always come naturally to me when trying to sooth her...obviously some parts over others!), Lady Gaga, Adele, whomever happens to be popular on the radio now, classical, Broadway, AJ singing Epo Pio (for another blog for sure!)...
~Silence.
~Naked, diaper, onesie, sleeper, shirt...
~Bamboo diaper, hemp diaper, organic cloth diaper, even tried the disposable diaper (when we've had to buy them out of bad time management twice...)...
~Window open, closed, door open, closed., cats in the room, cats out of the room...


EVERYTHING. I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.


The only thing we haven't tried is AJ giving her a bottle of my breastmilk. Which we did have to do on a handful of occasions in the past 10 months and it didn't really go over too well. For either of them. So I am alone in this matter. And that is okay.


But boy is it rough. She fights me. You wouldn't think a little baby could bring you to such a place mentally and emotionally and physiologically...


She nurses right side eyes wide open. Sits up. Crawls up me. Scratches my shoulders. Bites my shoulders. Gets mad shes not nursing. Nurses again on that side until eyes get heavy. Nods off.


About one minute later she sits up again. Alert. Cries. Nurses left breast. Scratches my chest. Starts to nod off.


Sits up. Alert. Pinches my armpit. Crawls up Mount Mama again. Cries.Scratches my back. Nurses left again. (Pretty sure my left supply is less than my right, but she seems to prefer this side?) Stares up at me. Suckling. Pulls away. Smiles me a big beautiful smile. Sits up. Crawls up me. Hugs me. Lays her head on my chest. Whimpers. Cries. Cries. Hugs. More Cries. (BTW-I know her cries and these are not "I'm in pain cries".) Nurses left. Scratches my side. Bites my nipple (fortunately only 3+ teeth so far!) Falls asleep. Bring her into bed. Lay her down ever so slowly...


She wakes up. The same routine is repeated, but this time I'm rocking her on the bed (gotta imagine it's a great ab workout because they are throbbing by the time I finally change positions). Lay her down again once she falls asleep.


About one minute later, same shit. Oops. I mean, she wakes up again.  I won't bore you with the rest, but this goes on. Almost every night.


Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get loud. Sometimes. I say "What do you need?! What do you want?!" like that's really gonna work. Sometimes I sit and try to physically feel love and peace and calmness emanate from my heart to her. Sometimes I fall asleep. Sometimes I yell for AJ or at AJ. Or curse him through the monitor, like its his fault. Because somehow I always justify to myself at that moment that it's his fault. 


I envy my girlfriends who can give their baby a bottle or nurse them and then off they go. Just like that. That must be so nice. And not stressful. And I am jealous of them. Even if their baby cries, it's not for long. Wow. I can feel myself turning green...


When she does, finally, up to 3 hours later, fall asleep, I am a much different person. I stare at her, sound asleep in my arms. I look at her eyelashes and how they curl so nicely (even though I didn't end up trimming them...for another blog!) I admire her rosebud lips that are the perfect shade of lipstick that I was looking for all those years (I haven't worn any makeup in over 15 months...another blog). I smile at her heart-shaped hairline...just like her Daddy. I love her wavy Mohawk. And her beautiful strawberry blond hair (I had the same color as a baby). And the shape of her face, how it's changing every day. And her ears, how I love those ears. And her chubby little hands. And the softness of her baby skin. And her smell. I love her smell. My Buddha baby smells like Tea Tree Oil (See my blog about The Miraculous Tea Tree Oil) and Rosemary. And lately Coconut Oil as we use it as a substitute for sunblock. (Again, I promise I will write about the amazing things I know about coconut oil.) I love her smell. She is sooo my baby. I think to myself, I wouldn't have this moment with her, if it weren't for what we just went through. Or was it going through those moments that makes the love grow even more?


I stare at her and I cry. I usually shudder too. It's like my body can't physically hold all of the love that I have for this child. This little person. "She's a little humie" as my little sister would say. And she is growing up so fast! Like way too fast. I can't handle it sometimes. She is just amazing. She awes me with her wonder every day. I have trouble dealing with my emotions sometimes and this book has been really helpful: Buddhism For Mothers of Young Children. It's amazing how a matter of minutes can change the mood. One minute I'm wondering if I ever should have chosen to become a mother, and silently sobbing to myself while wondering what it is I can possibly do to help my child, and thinking "is this what attachment parenting is? Is this what I signed up for?" And then the next minute I am streaming tears of joy and pride and the utmost love towards this beautiful, healthy baby girl.


But, the whole point of this was, this past week, she was especially bad...well, I should say, she seemed especially upset and I was especially unhelpful in calming her nerves and helping her to sleep. Her body was definitely hot and so was mine, so the more we held each other the hotter we both got. We were both mostly naked, pacing throughout the bedroom, crying together, loving one another, sweating, breathing, rocking. With the recently-brought-down-from-the-attic giant fan plugged in, we sat, embraced, one foot in front of it, turned on high, gliding in the glider, and gradually drifted to sleep. This was our routine for four nights in a row. I. Am. Exhausted. Seriously.


So Thank You giant fan of mine. You have been my saving grace in times of need. I don't know what I would have done without you. No matter how far I want to remove myself from modern amenities sometimes, I am truly grateful for my fans. All of them. And thank you again to AJ, for being you.


And thank you, for listening to me whine today. Sometimes, you just need to vent :)

MENTIONED: Baltic Amber Teething Necklace, Buddhism For Mothers of Young Children

HAVE A SUNSHINE DAY!

"When you do things from your soul,
you feel a river moving in you,"
a joy"
~I don't remember who I heard this from :(