Before You: Honest. Revealing. Embarrassing.

Sooooo, this just happened....

And since the cat is already out of the bag to the most important people that I care to love  impress, tolerate, like me, then I feel the freedom to express the reality that is my life at this moment in time.

Life isn't easy. Just as you feel you've gotten a decent grip on your current reality, time goes by. And with time comes change. With change comes adjustments. Adjustments aren't easy. Especially if two people have to adjust to the same thing, in their own ways, but while doing it together. Adjustments can be wearing. Adjustments can be enlightening. Adjustments will most certainly bring to surface every other aspect of your life, ones you didn't even know were there, or were a problem before.

AJ and I are absolutely in love and are in a really great relationship. If you haven't noticed by the way I go on  for paragraphs about our life together and what he means to me and how I love all of his AJ ways...(I will shamelessly refer you to two of my favorite and more personal blogs about my family Cooling Off, Cooling Down, and Cardinals. Cats. Cards.). But truth be told, it ain't easy. And we've had a lot of recent adjustments. And we are adjusting. And that is it.

Sometimes you need to talk things out. Sometimes you need to yell things out (well, I do...) Sometimes you need to write things out. Sometimes a particular piece of art or music or nature or memory will come upon you at a most timely manner and it all seems to make sense. And you know that it will all be okay.

I had one of those moments tonight.

AJ gets out of work one hour early on Wednesdays to spend a little time with Adelaide and me before I nurse her to sleep, which the past few days has been around 830pm (omg, I can't believe it!!! Keeping my fingers crossed....Again, I have to refer to Cooling Off. Cooling Down.) . Tonight he got to play with her for about 25 minutes before she gave her signals and off we went to the bedroom to embark on our routine, with visions and hopes of peaceful slumber and quick calmness for our baby girl. (This doesn't seem to help one way or the other.) Tonight it took me about 30 minutes to get her asleep (in my arms, in the glider, nursing in front of the sound of the fan, as is our new routine since the fan introduction a few weeks back...) Then the transition to the bed happens. This usually leads to several more minutes of nursing as I slowly (or sometimes quickly) sneak my hands out from under and around her warm Buddha body. As I prepared to slip away from her dreaming grip (death grip)....well, I don't remember the rest.

I woke up next to Ada, on the other side though, with the same clothes on, car keys still in my pocket, and shes nursing herself in our sleep. Once she was done I groggily made my way out to the living room to find it was 1:30am and AJ was sound asleep on the couch with the TV on. My sappy, grumpy, morning-self reared her ugly head and I barked something at him and he went to bed.

My nook...the corner of the room where I do most
of my crafting, blogging, nurising, kitty-rubbing :)

I now sit here, on my old poang ,in my nook, alone, not even the cats for comfort. I've got late night NBC on low in the background, waiting for the news to come on, and despite wanting to delve back into book two of the 50 Shades time warp...I find myself aimlessly daydreaming and half-consciously trying not to think about what I am was upset about.

Hoda and Kathy Lee's tiny frames were both sunken into giant reclining lazy boys with beer in KLGandHODA koozies while donning team jerseys...something to do with man-things? A rerun from yesterday mornings show. They mentioned a study about the "manliest place in the U.S." based off of the amount of steakhouses, home depots, bars, and the least amount of salons, spas, and boutiques....I wanna go off about stereotyping but I'd rather focus on the situation at hand :) The "most manly" cities were in Alabama, South Carolina and Oklahoma.  A little while later I heard them mention that a Broadway actor that I like, who I think I've seen on their show in the past, just came out with a new song. I immediately checked it out and was so pleased with what I discovered!

It was just too perfect for my mood, my life, my relationship at this moment. I got all emotional and forwarded the video to AJ along with a little note about my feelings.

I accidentally forwarded it to his whole freaking family! Well, those whose phone numbers I have in my phone (mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law)!!!

I know I've said it before; I try to stay away from too much electronics and technology. I just like to be around nature more, and I feel that it grounds me. Pretty simple. Not much more to say about it than that.

Mind you...I like to go places and I am glad that I have a car to get to those places. I like the internet and I like that I have access to the internet. I enjoy the news and I feel lucky that I have a TV and a computer to get it from. I love being able to contact people and having a phone makes it a lot quicker than some other fashions. I realize that "electronics" are in my life in countless ways, and I'm not being ungrateful or naive, but I am just telling you that I like to be as unplugged as possible.

This being said, I have soooo much trouble with computers, especially in the form of these new smart phones! Don't get me wrong, I think they are super cool and I have a love-hate relationship with how much I use it's features. (It is a part of me that I've never known before; this new thrill I get by checking in and  the atonement I get by sharing more of my life). Problem is, my phone does wacky things. Especially when the memory card is full. ( I take a lot of pictures. A lot!)


Well, when sending AJ my honest and deep text message about our life and our love, my phone decided to send it to his family group instead of just him. (They are next to each other in my text lists.) When I realized this I nearly shit my pants. It wasn't mean or detailed, but I think it was telling that we are working through some things and even though I know that every couple has worked through ruts in their own way, I still don't want his parents ever worrying about AJ's happiness. Living many hours away from us in South Carolina, makes them especially hone in on the little that they get to see about our relationship...which honestly those handful of visits they've shared with us here and there throughout the course of the five-and-a-half years together were not always our most shining moments :(

But this? Oh dear. I swallowed hard, trying to push down the thought of the can of worms that I may have just opened in my mother-in-laws mind...

We are fine! We really are! It was just one of those things. And unfortunately they were let in on it. Oops.

My reason for sharing this story:

1) It's kind of funny, and sad, and is sooo the kind of thing that would happen to me!

2) It's relatable because every couple works through adjustments in their lives and will admit that it can be a struggle. For those who don't have problems or handle change with ease probably stopped reading already.

3) I was thinking of a way that I could share this beautiful song with my followers and the public anyway.

4) It had been a while since I blogged (actually I wrote a long, instructional blog last Monday, but the freaking thing deleted itself and it took me until tonight to calm down and come back on here).

5) I promised that I would be honest with my words. I am obviously keeping most of my life private, but every now and then, when something seems worthy of sharing for some reason, in hopes to humanize me, make others feel not alone and to clear my mind, I will share my story.

6) I can use this as way of clearing up any misunderstanding with his family...{I don't actually know if they read my blog or not.) We. Are. Happy. No reason for concern! :)

And now, for those of you just itching to see what all the hoopla is about...

My words, my heart:

Before You:



...I didn't know how fulfilling the feeling of having a partner would be


...I didn't know the full reality of loving someone, despite their isms, including their isms, all of them


...I didn't know what it was like living with anyone other than my parents and sister, the patterns, routines, comfort zones, familiar smells, precious pets and loving energy embedded into the fabric of the home and the stuff, all the emotional attachment to what is "ours" that makes up our life. (Home is Where the Heart Is)


~I didn't know the capacity to love the way your child loves her father to the degree that I do. It hits a part of me deep in my chest that warms my heart and brings me such peace. Its like a big sigh that cleanses my body and mind and heart.


...I didn't know how much your heart can actually ache when you see your love hurting in anyway, hiding from something, fighting for something or failing a personal goal...


...I didn't know how amazingly difficult it would be to marry your life with someone in a cohabbitating, loving partnership, with fights, and problems, and anger, and resentment, and our pasts.


Before You I was not complete. You complete me. I love you. This is tough. Our life isn't easy. Our love isn't perfect. We need some work. But I love you.


I just heard this song and it hit home <3

Cheyenne Jackson, "Before You"

I absolutely love this song. Cheyenne has a great voice and the melody is so catchy and the lyrics run deep and the video is humorous and it all captured the essence of overcoming hurdles in relationships. Beautiful. This song will no doubt become popular really quick, and I am doing my part to help spread it!

MENTIONED: 50 Shades of Grey, Poang, Cheyenne Jackson "Before You" Music Video

Have A Sunshine Day!

"All biologic phenomena act to adjust:

there are no biologic actions other than adjustments.

Adjustment is another name for Equilibrium.

Equilibrium is the Universal,

or that which has nothing external to derange it."

~Charles Fort

**UPDATE**

My phone being as wacky as it is, returned my text to me as "undeliverable"!! They never got the message...it was too long! Whew :)
I repeat, my phone is wacky!